The Rules of Fanfiction:
1) Nobody's underage.
2) All characters are at least bi-curious.
3) All characters have a vast knowledge of sexual techniques even when they're virgins.
4) All characters are good at the giving end of anal sex.
5) All virgin wizards never ever prematurely ejaculate.
6) All witches always have an orgasm when she loses her virginity, no matter how much pain she's in.
7) All wizards can be ready for round 2,3,4, within seconds of ejaculation.
8) All male characters all have enormous cocks, and female characters all have perfect breasts.
9) All characters, regardless of sex, can be brought to the verge of orgasm simply by rubbing their nibbles. If they persist in pretending they aren't, don't hesitate to bite!
10) All characters are really a monster in bed. Even Neville!
11) All students really want to do is shag each other!
12) Any character who wills it, can easily keep from crying out in sexual pleasure. Even if he/she is normally a screamer.
13) Everyone always makes a hell of a lot of noise during sex! There are no quiet types.
14) Everyone will unfailingly go into long drawn out groans if you brush your hand across any innocuous patch of bare skin.
15) Sex is sex. Family members, same-sex partners, animals (including house elves), inanimate objects, ghosts, and anyone or anything else is fair game when it comes to getting your jollies.
16) Even if it is rape, the person who is getting raped will end up enjoying it. (Most of the time.)
17) Always fall in love with the one that save you from the rapist or thug.
18) If a character is taking a bath, they WILL be walked in on.
19) If you walk in on someone naked/masturbating/having-sex-with-another-person/watching porn/etc. you must then shag them.
20) If characters are stuck somewhere or trapped together, they HAVE to get naked.
21) If there is a dark corridor or corner the characters involved all have to push each other up against the wall and snog forever. Then they go and have a quick shag in the very conveniently located "empty classroom" right next to them.
22) There are many MANY empty classrooms in Hogwarts.
23) The prefects' bathroom is for engaging in sexual activities only.
24) The Charms classroom always seems to be a favourite, especially for Draco/Hermione.
25) The library also serves as a shag-pad for students who need a "study break".
26) Dumbledore will make people talk out their problems by locking them into a room together, where they have sex.
27) Saying 'Do you want to play truth or dare?' is just another way of saying, 'Lets shag.'
28) If you cock your head and say sweetly "Are you sure?" The person will most definitely decide that they want to shag you.
29) No festive occasion (Christmas, new years, end of term, etc) can pass without rampant sex all over Hogwarts.
30) No one practices safe sex in the wizarding world, we have charms for that kind of thing.
31) Condoms need not apply. This is fiction. You never hear about the prince knocking up the princess in fairy tales do you?
32) NO ONE ever suffers the consequences of their sexual rampages. (Unless the writer wants them to.).
33) Sex toys in the wizarding world are 34 times as much fun as the ones in the muggle world.
34) Brooms are sex toys. For men and women.
35) Everyone who "hates you" secretly wants you. All of them.
36) Insults are really just another way to tell someone that you want to snog them.
37) Hate-love relationship always work.
38) If there is a party:
~~Male main characters wear leather pants
~~Female main characters wear "that one" dress which turns all males into slobbering, inarticulate, walking erections.
39) If some sort of skin is revealed...someone gets unbelievably horny.
40) If it's a masquerade party, characters won't recognize each other, despite seeing one another everyday for the last seven years.
41) There is always a spell for a sexual thing; above all to make someone want you and shag you like and animal. Or a potion.
42) Lube comes easy with a spell. As does clean up.
43) There's a spell for anything...and everything.
44) Fire Whiskey will make anyone want to screw you after two sips.
45) All fireplaces have in front of their hearthstones thick rugs.
46) Harry is a Sex God. Even when he's a virgin!
47) Harry's glasses *never* get in the way of a good shag, no matter how vigorous it might turn out to be.
48) Draco is the Slytherin Sex God.
49) Draco is truly a slut, will shag anyone even Hagrid.
50) The Weasleys are always shagging the other Weasley's all over the place.
51) All of the teachers want to have a go with all the main characters/ at least one student
52) Minerva is a sex goddess and wants to shag Hermione. Badly.
53) Dean and Seamus are toys to do with as you please.
54) Detention with a professor, especially Snape, is a recipe for sex.
55) All characters--male/female/indeterminate--find Draco and Severus intensely attractive, in spite of that the canon description of Malfoy is that he has "a pointed face" and Snape is described as "sallow" with "greasy hair." Ooo, yummy.
56) Narcissa and Lucius are sex fiends.
57) Draco and Lucius are always performing random acts of incest. They are not content with being just father and son.
58) Lucius never loved Narcissa. Narcissa is always:
a) dead. (Lucius always seems to lose his wife at the end of the war)
b) living in the south of France
c) having sex with Bella
59) Bellatrix and Narcissa (occasionally Andromeda) must be involved sexually. No question.
60) All Slytherins must be:
a.) Kinky
b.) Sexually active with everyone
c.) Into pain during pleasure
d.) Like being spanked by Snape, Lupin or another male teacher.
61) Slytherins are not evil ... but are actually the life of Hogwarts.
62) After 5th year Draco has seemed to ditch Crabbe and Goyle in favor of Blaise
63) Severus has a change of heart after the war. He becomes Severus-light, just one calorie of evil potion master.
64) Severus' hair is never really all that nasty when someone touches it.
65) Snape's shallow pasty face, hooked nose, yellow crooked teeth suddenly disappears and he's a handsome sex god.
66) Severus just might be Harry's father, but they are having sex anyways.
67) Sirius just might be Harry's father, but they are having sex anyways.
68) Sirius Black and Severus Snape will put a side years of hating each other after just one of them saying sorry. Then have sex.
69) Remus will lose control and Moony will try to take a mate while in Remus' body.
70) Remus always comes back to Hogwarts to teach DADA.
71) You must never refer to 'Defence of the Dark Arts' - it's always 'DADA'....
72) People always see Tonks as better looking in her 'natural' form.
73) When Voldemort finely has Harry he always wants some kind of sexual thing to happen.
74) Voldemort is a gentle and caring lover. Naturally.
75) Pouting is an art. It will get you anything.
76) A smirk is worth a thousand words.
77) Everyone is able to arch an elegant eyebrow on command.
78) Fleur turns EVERYONE into a slobbering walking boner, except for the man she actually sleeps with.
79) Harry masters Occlumency in one summer, the summer of 6th yr actually.
80) Ron is the most selfish backstabbing person. He'll always remain jealous of Harry even though they soothed the water in third yr.
81) Ron and Hermione are madly in love and will stay together for all eternity even though they're 16-17 yr olds.
82) Dumbledore is an evil bastard...
83) Award winning, fail-safe chat up lines:
a. "Dumbledore is using you",
b. "Dumbledore doesn't really care about Harry, he cares about winning the war",
c. "Harry takes you for granted",
d. "Hermione doesn't even notice you."
84) Head students get special quarters.
85) When in doubt, use a Portkey! It will always solve the problem, and can possibly create new ones.
86) Every character who's evil in canon is really just a big softy inside; they've been so mistreated by the cruel, cruel world that they only act like arseholes in self-defense. That, or something bad happened to them as children that warped their little minds.
87) Any character can easily conquer death, hell, and the grave itself to continue a life of shagging people senseless. (Even if canon says otherwise).
